The Panchu`s back

After many days without internet and boxes on the floor life looks normal again.

Lucas and Wynn went for a Father's day bike ride. Little Panchu is sitting on the terrace with the laptop, a 0% beer in a frosted mug and naked toes in the sun. Happy Father's day to me.

We all hate the cold

Except Wynn. New Jersey freak that he is, he thinks winter is for playing in the snow, calls freezing your ass off "chilly" and is actually happy in the cold dark grey of winter. I like the summer.

Bird and fish fell in love, moved to Spain and had a child. Poor child is bundled up until he can't move by mom and taken out to play hacky-sack in the snow in baby Birkenstocks by dad. Neither is strictly true, but the critter has a cold. 

His baby instincts are in high gear and he is nursing a ton, hoping the wonderfulness of breast milk will ward off the cold. He has a runny nose, and we respond by blasting the humidifier and playing in the bathroom with the shower running nice and steamy for hours. Poor critter has not seen un-humidified land in days. 

PanchuMom disclaimer

Things around here are crazy. Wonderful and happy, but crazy. 

We're moving house - actually, my whole family is moving, in what can only be described as insane house swapping and coincidence. My mother is coming to visit/help. I'm attempting to write what might be a book while putting in my two cents in another more advanced book. 

Posts will come as permitted by the mess.

Playing with others and fearful parents

Lucas doesn't go to day care yet (and most likely won't until he's two or eight, depending on when I can handle it, ok?) He spends most of his time with us and his aunts, ie, people who adore the crap out of him and think he is the dog's kahunas.

We hang out regularly with our friend J and his mami. Lucas is older than J by a month. They stare and reach out to touch each other - most of the co-mothering that is required is keeping them from sticking fingers into eyes. When they occasionally reach for the same toy, whoever gets it does and the other doesn't seem to care much.

Yesterday we went over to my friend L's, or, I should say, to 3 year old M's house. Lucas was in awe. He is mesmerized by older kids. Plus, there were trucks! With plastic silver stuff! Plastic balls! Puzzles! Cars! Big trucks! And M jumping around. The little critter was taking it all in, amazed, easy, happy. M got a bit jealous, as was to be expected. He acted on this by taking everything away from Lucas, squishing his hands, pushing him down when he was crawling... None of this bothered Critter McG. Take the cube away? No worries, there's another one here, don't have a cow. Squish my hand? Pf! My mom is sitting right here, I'm ok. That was his attitude, so I didn't make a bigger deal than he did. Man, it was hard. I wanted to push M myself, and I could have, I'm bigger. It's going to be tough letting the bonchibón grow up and deal with things and navigate relationships. Is it really bad if I go with him everywhere? Forever? Or until he starts dating? We can go anywhere he wants.

10 things I learned this year

1. Pain sucks. It can make you see deep darkness and obliterate everything else.
2. I like epidurals.
3. A husband, a good husband, can get so much more intensely close and intimate and caring than I could have ever imagined. Thankfully, this good husband will pretend to forget and never again mention unladylike behavior prior to or immediately following birth.
4. There is an encompassing ofcoursity about having a baby. Once our little baby got here I could not imagine having existed in a world that didn't have him. And I wonder what I did, really, with the many minutes in a day. And I don't marvel at how many times I can repeat any one action, say wiping spit up or changing nappies.
5. Yet, yet, yet, when 6 months later I ventured out with Wynn, all dolled up (or wearing lip gloss, which is not the same but equal to) we left our cell phones on the table but didn't realize there was no reception until we got up to leave. And during dinner we pretty much almost even forgot we had a baby. It didn't feel evil. Or sane.
6. I appreciate help. I would remember about me a lot less without help from the aunts.
7. Sleep is not as important as I once thought. Me, the girl who napped away the last two months of pregnancy, can happily live with a few hours here and there per night. I exaggerate, of course. But I've adapted.
8. Breast pumps are stupid.
9. I could look at pictures of people's babies all day. I am just that kind of girl. And now that I have my own it seems less creepy. And that is why I like Facebook.
10. The word "and" is very useful and pretty, especially when you write a blog.

Poetry on Friday

I used to write poems, but I haven't been able to do it in a long time. A friend of mine who paints thought pregnancy was such an inspiring time. I didn't find that...

Anyway!

Here is a little poem I wrote a while ago.










Sparrows


I walk up the stairs
to my sister’s room.

On the landing
after counting
the seventeen steps
that leave me out of breath
I think I see her face

reflected on the wall
between the two oblong windows
that shattered that day
when she jumped out of bed
wanting to be someone
(not her).

I call to the sparrows
that came for her
as she lay on the grass
blood emptying slowly
until the grass had drank
all of her.

In globs,
the birds collected her in their beaks
and mounted the air
to take her away
from me,
still on the landing
screeching for them
to leave a fingernail
that I will wear on a pendant
hanging from my neck.

For when they drive you batty

I am incredibly lucky that I get to stay home with the critter. It's crazy fun and lovely. I pee with the door open, type with one hand and shower when I can, which is all good.

Sometimes, though, I wish I had a minute that was all minemineminemine. It happens now and again that you've read every book, done independent playing, crawled on the floor, played peek a boo, sucked on a puzzle, sang, danced, played the drum and you are just about ready to walk out the door.

These are some of my little tricks for when Lucas needs me but I need me more, ie, things we can do together while my mind wanders off to singlehood:

1. Go for a walk. We both people watch and go far in our heads.
2. Look out the window. It's his new thing. And we both find it weirdly entertaining.
3. Call a friend. I can talk and the phone and walk about with the critter perched on my hip. He puts up with this for long stretches of time.
4. Give the the bonchibón a bath. A warm bath and his ducky - that's all he needs. (It's not like I leave him in there while I go have a smoke! I just check out in my mind.)
5. Look through one of your picture books. I bring out my Jamie Olivers and tell Lucas about the recipes I'm going to try out later. I love my cook books and he loves being able to play with the things that interest us (I really think that's whey little babies are always reaching for cell phones and TV remotes... those our our toys, they figure if they're fun for us, they must be a blast!)

Mom gone wild

I am going out tonight. Wynn is staying with Lucas. They will handle dinner, bath and sleeping all by themselves.

"Ooh, freedom! Thank you, sweetheart."

"Wait, are you sure, should we do this?"

I say both things at the same time.

Wynn is encouraging and insistent.

Can you relate?

Somewhere between the loss of personal space and ownership of your time you learn to laugh.

What's Spanish for MYOB?

Living in Spain and having a small child make you come in contact with a respected and well established institution: the old woman. She is a grandmother many times over who knows things. Among them, how to raise your child. She sees you on the street and tells you if your baby is too warm, and how can you even think of bringing him outdoors in this weather, it is not good for him, such a pity that he should have to be out. In winter and fall, she points out that only idiots bring babies out of the house, you should at least put a hat on him. Think you can politely ask her to mind her own business? Be ready for a drawn out conversation (other people around might weigh in).

They can also tell you if your kid is hungry, spoiled (you hold him too much) or in a bad mood. They will work out the nursing vs formula feeding conundrum for you, but they need to see you doing either of the two to bring it up - they don't get all up in your grill out of the blue, for crying out loud, how much can you expect from these women?